Saying No: An Important Communication Skill (and a Way to a Stronger Yes!)
A dear friend recently asked me to attend an event with her. My first instinct was to say YES! But the event fell on an already-busy weekend. So then I started to say MAYBE. (“I’d love to! I’m a bit busy that weekend, but maybe I can move things around…”). Then I stopped myself. In the moment, “maybe” feels kinder than “no”—but a straightforward “no” is usually better in the long run.
So I told my friend the truth. “I am so grateful you thought of me! I can’t attend this time, but I hope you’ll think of me in the future. And I hope you have a great time!”
I made a good choice. If I jam-pack my schedule, I end up burnt out and too worn out to do good work. And if I'd said “maybe,” I’d have been asking my friend to wait on my schedule, which wouldn't have been fair. Instead, by saying “no,” I gave her a chance to invite someone else.
Communication Skill: How to Say No
I think that a “No” can be a lot kinder than a “Maybe”. But I know it’s not always easy to say “No”.
The magic formula for saying “no” is usually honesty + gratitude. “I sincerely appreciate the offer—please keep me in mind for the future! I can’t this time, but I’d love to be considered another time.” (And if I support the person or idea but can’t be the one to help, I love to suggest someone who might be able to help in my place.)
Here are 4 go-to examples:
If you’d like to help but you’re too busy:
1. “I sincerely appreciate the offer — please keep me in mind for the future! I can’t [do xyz] this time, but I’d love to be considered another time.”
If you support the person or idea but can’t be the one to help:
2. “Thank you for offering. I’m not available — but have you considered [another person]? I think they would be great for this. I’d be happy to make an email introduction if that’s helpful.”
If you’d like to help but the specific ask isn’t a good one for you:
3. “I’d love to help but I’m not a great fit for [xyz]. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
If you just need to say no:
4. “I know this isn't the answer you were looking for, but I won’t be able to help [do xyz]. Thank you for thinking of me.”
My goal is usually to communicate firmly but kindly — because I want to be straightforward. (“maybe” might be less helpful, because then the person won’t have time to recruit someone else!). But I also don’t want to close the door to future opportunities.
Other strategies for saying “No”? What’s your go-to?
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